Saturday, November 20, 2010
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Sunday, November 7, 2010
She said that throughout the quest, there would be harsh lessons of letting go. Spiritual turning points of no return. And losses that in the moment might not seem worth the climb.
She said pretty words would no longer do. Inscriptions of inspiration would be irrelevant to me now, unless they emerged from my own heart. Engineered by light, emanating from encounters with strangers and experiences I could yet believe possible.
I moved close enough to touch her. I shivered, as though a cosmic ripple had touched me and tuned me. I was radiant and persuaded. The wanderlust of the gypsy rose in me.
And I went off into the night. Seeking to find the Warrior. In my dreams so that I might be awakened.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Monday, October 11, 2010
She thought about those souls that wander the earth, unloved. Yet in her own life, love abounded. A wellspring without beginning or end. And tonight her heart felt like it was radiating right out of her chest. Humming with the fervor of the universe and humbled by such a noble gift.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
So I took myself to the bathroom mirror, got up good and close and told myself that I was ready. And it really felt like I was getting somewhere!
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Sunday, September 19, 2010
She said there was still the faint aroma of fear, like a pheromone, but at least it was no longer stinking the place up or inviting the wrong kind of company in for an extended stay. It was weakening rapidly, these things are born with a half life you know, so they diminish quickly but take a lifetime to erode in entirety.
Focus, she said on moving the joy of the adventure into the recesses of your mind, let it saturate all states of your consciousness.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
But she told me to pay no mind to all of that. To keep the summer's sun in my heart. It would be more than enough to keep things moving freely. With the fluidity of maple sap in spring.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Sunday, August 29, 2010
But the future is both a short and long ways off. And like all futures, takes turns that we never expect. And life is not really full of mistakes and miscalculations ~ but rather opportunities to be beautiful in different ways. Beautiful in pain and transfiguration. Beautiful in joy and opening the heart to things that most of us are afraid to dream about or imagine.
So even though I'm transfiguring. Morphing into shapes that hurt my body and mind and squeeze my heart in previously unimagined ways. And make me doubt a sunny summer's worth of dreaming... I'm going to keep my heart open. To you.
But also to the rest of it.
Love is simple. Its when you go to bed and your foot drifts under the cover to touch him. Or you curl your back into his side just to steal his heat and he reciprocates with a kiss on the head. Love is picking up milk (and that special chocolate he knows you love) and taking out the garbage. And seeing your person across the room at a party and knowing that you'd introduce yourself all over again, if today were the first day.
I have known real love. Not the make believe kind. But the kind whose language you forget you know. Love that withstands all kinds of storms and leaves you ravaged and wrecked, but still worthy in his eyes. Protected and safe and warm.
And I didn't know all of this until it went away. Was removed. No longer extended. As though a web that I've been carried by just suddenly disappeared.
And lonely is like I never imagined it could be.
Friday, August 27, 2010
You've gone. Driving. Hurting. Thinking. Away from this house of uncertainty.
And I'm here. Wondering. Missing. Tired and half dead. Feeling the ghosts of who we were, in other days, hiding in closets and slipping down the hall to the bedroom.
I lit a candle for you tonight. In honor of the multitude of things I love and have loved about you. Begging myself not to hurt us this way. And yet on I go, unable to turn back time nor (deep in the recesses of my heart) wanting to. I don't know what comes next. I don't know how to breathe. I don't know how to smile or laugh. I have no idea how to be anything but numb.
Right now, all I know is how to let the wind whip me and the rain pelt me. And to be tired but not sleep. And hungry but not eat.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
And inside, everything still had a place. The plates were still in the cupboard beside the sink. The towels were still stacked neatly in the linen closet just outside the bathroom. The washer and dryer went through its daily cycle. They still vacuumed once a week and cleaned the shower every few days.
But where the eye could not see, where the hand could not touch... everything had changed. And sooner or later, the outside would look different too.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Yesterday she'd taken pleasure in joy. Something pure that she knew was hers. There had been freedom yesterday from the cage of pleasing others. But today lingered the censure of regret at having given too much away. She wondered if she'd been played for a fool. That was not who she was becoming. That was the child not the woman. Such antics were not for her right now. Now was for beading together the facets of herself, bringing into harmony the tribe of women that had been sharing her spirit for twenty nine hundred years, and were now ready to be knit together.
So she realized that in becoming this woman, discernment would need to be her guide, her friend, her confidant. The bridge to the other side seemed less figurative now, less like something she'd read in a book or been told by another. And the courage to travel was welling up like clouds that billow into towering cumulus, aware that their strength has the power to change the landscape below.
Power and authority she reminded herself. Take these affections and pull them into yourself, let them penetrate you fully, pervade you like a lover that serves your soul. Not so you can judge other but so that you can stand in the light for which your life is calling. So that you can feel the sun on your face and joy in your belly.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Saturday, August 14, 2010
But she found a girl hiding. A shadow almost missed. Covering her own beauty so as to give none of it away, offering platitudes to make me believe that safety is more important than the limitlessness of my being She said I must go to her with the soul of my 2900 year old self. And if she she rejects us, then we must go back and negotiate. Using the wisdom of the crone to whisper words that have no sound, only meaning that echos to the very edge of where time began. The spark that birthed us all and ignites us fearlessly to bring us to this place. The girl must come out of hiding, she said, or it will all be for naught.
She said the project of my life was beauty. The idea of it shattered and rebuilt me anew in an instant. A beauty so rare that only the heart of a few are permitted a glimpse. But I must first loose myself from this cell of pleasing...
She said you were a warrior that had laid down the sword and was now at peace in the world. Well, mostly at peace. And that the words you spoke were without deceit, the truth as you know in your heart the truth to be. You're still trying to figure me out, she said... because I'm the cage rattler in you, when all the others have been in submission. And the dance between us will forever be me moving and changing... you, adapting but keeping up.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
We were there, talking for a long while. Content to be away from the frenzy of a too fast beat and indiscernible lyrics. I found myself in that sweet spot of gentle intoxication. Wanting to be exactly where I was, for as long as the night would allow it. I soaked in like rain his intelligence and the things he chose to tell me about himself. He was letting me be a part of the wholeness of his person. I marvelled that life is the dance. And from a room full of strangers, we felt anything of the sort.
On occasion he would turn and kiss me. Hi mouth hesitant, forbidden, bewildering. My stomach turning over itself, silently begging for more. I'd told him earlier that I wasn't at liberty... tried to leave it at that. Wanting nothing to exist outside of this delicious bubble of chocolate coated time.
"I like you" she said. Exhaling, words falling forward. And she knew he liked her back. A two-way divining spell having encapsulated them both.
"So who is he?" he asked quietly. Unable to take his eyes from her. Her heartstrings wrapping and winding with his, invisible knots of pleasure and pain weaving them together. His fingers entwining her own. Hinting at all that could be. But never would.
Friday, July 30, 2010
"And now?" he asked. He took hold of the Zinfindel and refilled her glass.
"Now." A pause to reflect and savour the wine that had been strenghened by time and the care of a young vintner. "Now. I do believe that I have bleed out, scabbed over and healed up. And you know, as ugly as that all was for a time, HELL, as ugly as I was for a time, it's woven itself to become the most beautiful pieces of me."
"Impossible for me to conceive of you ever be anything other than beautiful." His voice calm and seductive, the hours of the day beginning to stretch their way into the early morning but yet to see the light.
"Ah, but you and I" pausing for another sip of liberation "declare beauty quite differently. These breasts and this skin along my neck are reminders that beauty is a flower whose bloom is in youth. Fleeting. Illusion. Proof only that we have this temporary power to lay men at our feet, hopeful that we might spread ourselves before them."
She held the glass upward, intoxicated by both the words she spoke and the shadows that swirled around them. "We are all in the grip of time's embrace." Philospophical now, her words walking the razors edge of two worlds "She my friend forgets no one and waits for none. But she does, if we are priviledged enough and brave enough, show us that beauty is everything, even the things most of us can't bare to see in others, let alone ourselves."
"I'm not finished" she said in a low and pleading whisper. "We're not done yet. Maybe we haven't even started. Are you going to be this ghost? Invading my dreams and waking me only to ask if I will forever be wanting you?"
Drawn closer, fogging the glass she closer her eyes and exhaled deeply. It was his breath that returned to warm her face. The salt of her tears at the surface now.
"Feel this. Feel me." Her hand fisted, instinctively rubbing over the hollow of her breast above the heart. His face filing up her mind's eye. Her flesh burning in sensation as though he were touching her the way she'd imagined it had always been between them.
"We're not done. We are not done." And with that she tried to let go of the pleasure she sought from the pain, in search of some joy that had mostly eluded her.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
They sat in the shadow of the full moon's light. And when she looked up it was ringed by a prism halo, spilling colours that were generally difficult to see in the dark. And it shone so bright the other stars forgot their light.
“Do you ever wonder how we made it this far?” His hand tightened around hers and he pulled her in a little closer. Knowing she was prone to asking existential questions, he hesitated to give an answer. “Yes” he finally acknowledged, as though that one word might be enough, when in reality he had no idea what she was probing for.
“Really? Cause I have no clue!” And with that she laid herself out across his lap, hugging his knees to her chest. “But somehow we did it. All these years and here we are.”
He kissed her on the forehead, lingering for just an extra second to smooth her hair. And he wondered, albeit to himself, how the gods had chosen him to love her. Somewhere, somehow he expected there must be a plan greater than the moon. And was thankful to be a part.